I hit a wall this week in my MBA prep. Combined with the ongoing preparation for the GMAT, researching schools, lining up recommendations and booking flights for campus visits, my after-work energy for MBA applications plummeted to zero last Thursday. I felt the thrusters sputter and watched them tumble backwards into the Pacific. I think my decision to delay until the second round is probably for the best. I may still be able to squeeze in one school with a late October deadline for round one, but my body needs to recoup before ramping up again.

I Googled burnout this afternoon, a nerdy step that was only natural for my obsessive researching tendency. It turns out most of the results are “get to know your feelings” type articles, or they’re scientific papers published by NASA. I skipped the psychobabble, but between treatises on Newtonian Physics I did discover an article on A List Apart. Oddly my favorite web design resource has published articles on burnout as well.

How do I plan to deal with this setback? Well the Sox are playing the Yankees all weekend. And I have been contemplating buying a new flat screen TV. So perhaps a few beers, a mid-day nap and some Fenway highlights on a flatscreen (either a new one in the living room or across from my usual seat at The Tavern.)

My first round application hopes seem to be fading into the horizon. With less that two months before most first round applications are due, and another month to go before I take my second GMAT, I am realizing round one may not be for me. I still have weeks but I see the deadlines shrinking behind me as I speed down the highway.

I am deep into the self-assessment tools I compiled from a handful of application books. For those of you searching for good references, The Best Business Schools Admissions Secrets gets you on the right path, but A.V. Gordon’s MBA Admissions Strategy is the most thorough tool I have found. Chicago’s Rose Martinelli is an outspoken proponent of self-assessment as well and offers a few helpful thoughts of her own on the subject.

With my self-assessment and GMAT on going, I have yet to approach my recommenders and I am still developing the themes I want to target. So it is looking like I will submit a barrage of applications in January. I had hoped to submit my apps to mid-western schools in October and use the rest of the fall to visit California and visit a few schools as I prepared my final essays. But my sub-par quant performance on the first GMAT has made that timeline a bit of a squeeze.

I’m taking some solace in the hours of MBA Podcaster Admissions interviews I have listened to on my commute, and the hundreds of pages I have read, both online and in various books, claiming decisions are unbiased between rounds one and two. Let’s face it though, an average quant scoring songwriter who gets an application in weeks ahead of the round one deadline looks a bit more appealing than one who submits the week of round two. The delay lives up to the stereotype of the lacksidasical musician. Having had my head down in full bore MBA prep mode since late March it is a bit disappointing to now be risking that carefree label.

The week before my GMAT I topped out on a practice test from MBA.com by scoring a 750. 49 Quant and 44 Verbal. It was a bit surreal. After holding steady at 640 for three months on the Manhattan GMAT CAT exams I suddenly leaped 110 points. Lets be honest. That probably means that the MGMAT tests are a little skewed. I’m sure from their perspective it allows a jump in test day score look like something that must have come from the MGMAT services. From my perspective I went from 640 to 750 in seven days. 110 points? It took God six days to create the Earth and I jumped 110 points in seven. I mean, that’s kind of comparable right? So going into the actual GMAT the following Saturday I honestly felt the weight lifted. Who knew what would happen? I could walk out with a 600 or a 750. I just knew I was no longer in control.

GMAT day I drove downtown listening to Liz Pappademas’ “Keep Going West” on repeat. Pearson VUE has security to get inside the building, to get up the elevator and then to get into the office. Half a dozen palm prints later I walked out with my unofficial 710. What was ridiculous was the Quant/Verbal split. While my Quant came in at a barely respectable (and average performance at best) 40, my Verbal hit an all-time high of 49 (99th percentile). What does that mean? I spent the week trying to decide. MBA friends, MGMAT advisors, consultants, everyone seems in agreement, I’m taking the GMAT again.

So tomorrow I sit down with a Manhattan GMAT analyst to plan out how to approach the next 4-6 weeks. I had hoped to spend the next two months in undisturbed essay mode refining my applications for round one deadlines, but now I can count on pushing back several, if not all of those applications to round two. Most resources claim there is little to no difference between round one and two. Having a handle on my future in December instead of March would have been pretty awesome though. As it is I’m trying stay positive. I’ve got a 710 in the bag, I’m working towards a better math percentile, and I have time to put together my best possible application. I just hope I can count on MGMAT to give me straighter results going forward so that I will know where I stand.

After 9 weeks of classes with Manhattan GMAT and well over 200 hours of GMAT studying logged, I’ve experienced a few ups and downs in my confidence. I started out fairly strong in my practice GMAT scores and expected to make up the difference to my goal in leaps and bounds since I haven’t studied math in a decade. In the past few weeks I have seen that enthusiasm plummet.

I have spent 200 hours with a set of earplugs blocking out the Cheers reruns, Saturday house cleanings, and my wife’s giggling after-work phone conversations with friends. A good set of earplugs is similar to standing on a mountaintop. They create an almost uncomfortable silence that allows your mind to drift. There is simply a void that allows random thoughts to rush in and fill the space with unexpected memories, embarrassments, frustrations, and joys. In these situations my mind loves to release a flood of doubts.

In music there are moments when you realize you are good, you get a flash that everything is falling into place and the realization shifts your mood from transcendental jubilation to second guessing prevention. Instead of allowing yourself to remain lost in a perfect moment, you begin worrying about how you’re going to ruin that moment. And that fear of ruining the moment inevitably causes you to ruin the moment.

In the past few weeks I have seen my scores, those “soon to sky rocket by leaps and bounds” scores, flat line well below my goals. Suddenly that perfect musical moment has become something I am frightfully struggling to retain. In the application process this translates to personal doubts of my candidacy and abilities. Have I overstepped my abilities? Have I misled myself on my talents? Have I made it twenty-eight years into life before recognizing that I am, in fact, not exceptional?

I’ve found this hard to explain to others, and in most cases have simply elected not to say anything. How could anyone proclaim their desire to be “exceptional” or to “make a difference” without sounding like a megalomaniac? To be honest, previous to an MBA my desired life trajectory was pointed at rock stardom, so I probably am a megalomaniac. But still, how does one self-evaluate their quality and ability? Do I deserve to get into Chicago Booth? Absolutely. Could I excel at Stanford? Without question. Will I ever set foot in their door? I have no idea. In fact, in light of my recent performance I’m feeling like maybe the answer is no. And after several years of soul searching that led me to this undertaking, I don’t know where that uncertainty puts me.